A short story about an ordinary boy in Singapore, changing from good to bad, which changed his life and cost him his own life for it. Choosing the right route in Singapore was difficult sometimes due to influence from others and this story is about not doing the wrong things and then regretting it and never trust anyone, others than family or yourself.
“I think I’m just an ordinary child in Singapore, no one needs me anyway…” Jonathan thought to himself… He was just doing his homework during a Saturday morning and he was already feeling sick and tired of school. He was a Primary 5 student, with an average result and a normal home. He was never interested in studying, only in gaming and he always had an interest in technology, but he was too lazy to learn more about it. Education is very important in Singapore, especially because Singapore is a well-developed country, life here is fast paced and “Easy going”. Some people had diploma certificates, but jobs were so scarce that achieving such a level of education, you might not find a job.
Jonathan was going to be a Primary 6 student soon, but he was still not aware of the importance of PSLE, Primary School Leaving Examination. He always treated it as an unimportant examination; failing it was not a problem for him. He was interested in sports like soccer, but his parents did not allow him to play soccer, always saying that PSLE came first. During his Primary 5 end year holiday, Jonathan was very bored at home, so he sneaked out to find something new or interesting to play…
“Finally! I’m free!” Jonathan thought to himself as he walked to the soccer field. The soccer field had people playing soccer and a group crowding around a bench area. Jonathan went up and asked, “Err, can I play soccer with you all?” A guy wearing a slanted cap and singlet went up to him and replied, “Who you?” Jonathan replied: “I’m Jonathan, so how? Can I join?” The same person replied: “Okay larh, but you can only play when we say so, just help to pick the ball when it goes far away, and add me on “Facebook” if you have arh, my nickname is called ‘Ah Beng’, just add me larh.” Jonathan felt happy, and yet curious why the person’s English was not very good. He was not aware that he was being used as a retriever, being asked to pick up the ball when told to and in the end, he did not even kick the ball, and if he tried to, they ask him to stop or shout at him.
“Aiyo! Jonathan arh, where did you go? I looked for you everywhere!” screamed Jonathan’s mother as he reached home, Jonathan felt afraid as he murmured: “Err, I… I went… to my friend’s house, mammy, to do project.”
“Huh? Project? Then why never tell me? Make me so worried you know?”
“Sorry mum...”
Jonathan went to his room, feeling sorry and regretful, remembered something! He turned on his computer and added his “friend” on “Facebook”, a social networking application. During the holidays, he came in touch with them very often and played soccer with them, like they were his “brothers”, they had never ill-treated him or did him wrong, which he thought they were his true friends, his results decreased drastically but his parents were too busy working that they did not notice that Jonathan became rowdy and vulgar, until one day, something happened that changed his life…
“Eh, Johnny, I need you to do something for me, can or not?”
“Yeah, Ah Beng, wassup?”
“You see the auntie over there? I need you to rob her.”
“WHAT?! ROB?! Why? And how? How can you all do illegal things?”
“Oi, just rob only, if we are brothers then you rob. Don’t talk to me about what illegal things.”
Jonathan was stunned, all this time he thought they were legal and loyal citizens, until this happened, but for their sake, for the “brotherhood” they promised to give him, being immature that time, he could not think well and so went to do it, not knowing the consequences. He took up all his courage and walked forward towards the auntie, she looked frail and like she had not eaten for days, she was pushing a trolley full of cans and newspapers, and was carrying an old raggedy bag. Jonathan walked forward and covered her mouth by forced, she held back but her strength was overpowered by a teenager’s strength. She shouted “HELP” and held to her bag with little force, there was a mere struggle between Jonathan and the auntie, Jonathan, being young, has an advantage towards her and she let go, as if she surrendered, she fell to the ground.
Passers-by looked at the scene while some called and some rushed forward to help. Jonathan was anxious now and he started to panic… He ran as fast as he could towards the direction his friends met just now and they were gone, not even a shadow! His heart was beating faster than the engine of a car and he started running, memories of his life and when he met his” friends” flashed… Remembering how they forced him to eat drugs and smoke made him less surprised of what is happening now, and remembering how good life was without them… He regretted all that happened; he hated himself and them… He hated how unfair life was, which it is. But regretting now was not an option; he just had to keep running, until he ran to the roadside. And the traffic light was red, people were chasing him, under a lot of stress a child can barely cope he gave up, he ran across the road without hesitating… A car raced by and knocked him down. Jonathan felt an immersed pain on his back as he flew a few foot from the place he stood. He cried as tears rolled down his cheeks. And after a few breaths, he fainted, thinking how his life came and go, and how unfair he was treated, how stupid he was, he would let it all go and he did. People who made him into this state lived on not for a few more days of freedom and was caught by the police and sent to boy’s school. And Jonathan parents, cried continuously for quite some time, this is how deep the influence of friends can have on you, you choose your own road, not letting others to decide for you, and neither do you regret after doing something wrong. As parents, they play a part in their children’s life, concentrating on work and neglecting their children was never a choice but would they choose over their child or money, and would Jonathan be forgiven? The End~
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I think that your story is quite interesting as it clearly depicts the feeling for the characters and the reader can understand what the characters are feeling at different time. The storyline is also quite interesting as it says about the boy being quite okay at first to being bad and then realizing his mistakes in the end and regret for what he has done. I also think that the last part where you end off the story with a question is quite good as it keeps the reader in suspense and also allows the reader to predict the ending of the story by himself.
ReplyDeleteJun Jie, I think the strongest thing in your story is the dialogue; the Singlish is well-represented, but is still understandable to someone not fluent in it.
ReplyDeleteBut there is a lot to work on here for your final draft. You TELL almost the entire story, jumping from one thing to another without a sense of transition or flow; instead, you need to focus on a much shorter period of time -- a few hours, or maybe only one hour -- and SHOW what is happening, so that the reader can experience the events along with your protagonist.
Your main character is also very vague right now; I feel as if I can plunk any random Primary 5 boy into his place, which is what you don't want. You need to develop a character with his own specific motivations and desires and interests in order to make him feel like a real person.
Give me many more sensory details; right now, I don't feel like I can even see where so much of this story takes place. Make me feel like I'm there.
Lose the first paragraph; in a narrative, you don't give everything away all at the beginning. Same for the opinionated comments and hypothetical questions. You need to either leave a space between paragraphs, or indent the first line of each paragraph; I couldn't tell where one started and another began here, with the result that it all runs together.
I think that this story is quite interesting. But there was a part where you said the mother scolded Jonathan for being home late and he became regretful, if he was regretful of his actions, why did he still continue to go out and hang out with his "brothers"? Another thing is that I remembered Mr Lundberg said that he advice us to not end the story leaving the readers having questions that are not answered.
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